my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
foreskin is a definite game changer
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
