accomplished twins. life is a go
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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