i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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