My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
