the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
foreskin is a definite game changer
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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