When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
