you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
