I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My feet surprised me
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
