twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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