I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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