You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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