Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
