Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
