You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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