I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
