last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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