we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
COCAINE IS GR8
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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