hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
