We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
