you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
