There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
