Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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