I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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