he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
