I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You took a bar mat shot.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
im on a boat
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