after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
