Pants 0. Shit 1.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
