Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
