I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
