her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I looked at my own cervix.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
