a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
