i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
