I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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