I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
