You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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