I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
