God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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