2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
