thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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