I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
