About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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