I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
