My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
