So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
