Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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