I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
