she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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