I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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