I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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