i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
