She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
