Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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